Life is strange for me right now. I guess it really has always been strange, but I tend to romanticize the past, like most people do. I am sooooo very happy with my marriage with Emily. She is so great! We make an awesome couple! I am so happy with her and with our relationship. She truly is a source of happiness.
However I wish I was personally more happy, but, money is tight, stress is high, work is demanding, and it seems there is never enough time. I feel like I am letting some good years of my life just breeze by. I want to enjoy them and not just let them get away from me. I've always loved the "carpe diem" concept. I feel like I was very good in the past at taking time to pause and ponder life (like I am now), but lately I don't "have time". I really feel squished by "the world" lately. The world is so diluted with ungrateful, prideful, hate-filled people, and it is so hard to not get caught up in doing those things too. I feel as if I have somewhat disappointed those that I love. I loved my relationship with my family 'back in the day', but I have lost that.
The Christmas before my mission I wanted to give my family something meaningful. I had gone through some hard times with friends and things and it had left my emotions somewhat raw, but it was a good thing, I guess. It had forced me to reflect on my life (like I am doing this morning). Anyway, the most meaningful thing I had was my testimony of things that did bring me lasting happiness. So I decided to share that with my family. I found principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ that I really had a testimony of, and then I found quotes by leaders of the church (or others) that put into words, better than I could, about that principle. Then I put those quotes in boxes and wrapped them up and gave them to each family member. I loved it! I loved sharing that with others. I continued to do that every year...until this past Christmas. I couldn't do it this year. It wasn't in me. It isn't because I had lost my testimony that those things brought happiness, at least not really. I knew in my heart that those things can still bring happiness, but I had let the world overtake me that year. I became too busy to live those joy-giving principles, and so I didn't feel like I could share a testimony that I wasn't living. So I didn't. I was sad that I had broke a tradition I had kept going for 8 or so years, but at the same time it was a nice slap in the face to wake me up to want to want to change.
I know the answer lies in living the gospel more closely and for me I think a big thing is taking time to pause and reflect (like I am doing now...and did back in January) and examining my life. Here's to a better future. :)
(P.S. I forgot that I actually have followers of this blog now, so it is somewhat awkward to post a post like this, but at this moment I don't really care that it is read by others, but just realize I am not really posting it for others sake. Just for my sake, sort of like a journal entry.)
3 comments:
If you need a good book to read try "Bonds That Make Us Free" by Warner. I'm in the middle of reading it and it addresses this issue perfectly. Have you read Leadership and Self-Deception? I've heard it is along the same lines, but addresses a business audience. Anyway, I always enjoy books that help me understand gospel principles that I believe, but can't quite grasp until the right time in my life.
I have read Leadership and Self-deception. That is one of the 3-4 books that I think has highly contributed to Emily and I having such a successful marriage thus far. I will add that to my book list. Thanks!
Sometimes I feel blogger and facebook are full of everyone pretending their life is perfect, so thanks for being honest. I agree that taking time to ponder and realize what matters most is a very important part of life.
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