Life is strange for me right now. I guess it really has always been strange, but I tend to romanticize the past, like most people do. I am sooooo very happy with my marriage with Emily. She is so great! We make an awesome couple! I am so happy with her and with our relationship. She truly is a source of happiness.
However I wish I was personally more happy, but, money is tight, stress is high, work is demanding, and it seems there is never enough time. I feel like I am letting some good years of my life just breeze by. I want to enjoy them and not just let them get away from me. I've always loved the "carpe diem" concept. I feel like I was very good in the past at taking time to pause and ponder life (like I am now), but lately I don't "have time". I really feel squished by "the world" lately. The world is so diluted with ungrateful, prideful, hate-filled people, and it is so hard to not get caught up in doing those things too. I feel as if I have somewhat disappointed those that I love. I loved my relationship with my family 'back in the day', but I have lost that.
The Christmas before my mission I wanted to give my family something meaningful. I had gone through some hard times with friends and things and it had left my emotions somewhat raw, but it was a good thing, I guess. It had forced me to reflect on my life (like I am doing this morning). Anyway, the most meaningful thing I had was my testimony of things that did bring me lasting happiness. So I decided to share that with my family. I found principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ that I really had a testimony of, and then I found quotes by leaders of the church (or others) that put into words, better than I could, about that principle. Then I put those quotes in boxes and wrapped them up and gave them to each family member. I loved it! I loved sharing that with others. I continued to do that every year...until this past Christmas. I couldn't do it this year. It wasn't in me. It isn't because I had lost my testimony that those things brought happiness, at least not really. I knew in my heart that those things can still bring happiness, but I had let the world overtake me that year. I became too busy to live those joy-giving principles, and so I didn't feel like I could share a testimony that I wasn't living. So I didn't. I was sad that I had broke a tradition I had kept going for 8 or so years, but at the same time it was a nice slap in the face to wake me up to want to want to change.
I know the answer lies in living the gospel more closely and for me I think a big thing is taking time to pause and reflect (like I am doing now...and did back in January) and examining my life. Here's to a better future. :)
(P.S. I forgot that I actually have followers of this blog now, so it is somewhat awkward to post a post like this, but at this moment I don't really care that it is read by others, but just realize I am not really posting it for others sake. Just for my sake, sort of like a journal entry.)
